How a trip to the Philippines can feel beautiful, confronting, complicated, healing, heartbreaking, all at once
Back from the motherland after 4 weeks, and I feel a bit bewildered...
Sometimes you travel somewhere for answers, and you leave with more questions.
Hello! After 4 weeks, I am finally back from Philippines!
A lot of people have been asking me, “how was it?” I’ve been finding myself answering: “it was… a lot.” Frankly, it was a lot: enriching, confronting, inspiring, saddening, personal, foreign … all at once. I went to the capital, visited landmarks, museums, businesses, had a big family reunion for my grandpa’s memorial, interviewed people, Cebu, Manila, and other islands. Add on all the connections, ideas, epiphanies, [the triggers], the gymnastics of it all. I planned on staying longer, but came back home, to ground and reset for a bit. Why?
This diagram explains my experience
Before I came to the Philippines, what were my intentions? How did I prepare?
(For starters, I’m writing from the experience of a Filipino-American, who was born in the Philippines and came to the states at 7-years-old, has traveled back to the PH twice and 18 other countries, and who is primarily shaped by 1st-Gen culture)
My intentions were to visit the Philippines, history-conscious. To learn of people’s priorities and attitudes, to find out what’s happening “on the ground.” To see what this Filipina-American, California girl could learn, about the country she references all the time
I was deep diving in books on Philippines history, namely this one. How many of you feel you have inadequate knowledge of your history? That’s because most of our early education and [westernized] accounts don’t cover it. I was INTENT on catching up on the 500+ years of unlearned history… in a few weeks; boy did I underestimate that
If you do decide to really learn our history, understand: the history of the Philippines is complex, it’s loaded, and is not a fairytale story. But it is one that, at least for me, in order to strengthen my understanding of who I am and my cultural identity, I have to know my own history, my people, my roots, where we come from, my Motherland. Don’t we all? And I promise you, you do find moments of light, pride and hope through out. I did however, underestimate the processing of it all.
It started out like this: As I traversed, book in hand, all of a sudden every place I went to, from Bataan to Lapu Lapu City, came to life before me, in its historical context. This is where natives triumphed over Magellan and his men. This is where Jose Rizal (national hero) wrote his last goodbye to his wife.
I also interviewed people a long the way: from family members, locals, to professionals, activists; anyone who’d give me the *in* on the Philippines, its current state, government, and societal views and behaviors
I saw beautiful landscapes, landmarks, broken infrastructure, communities in shocking conditions, things that made me think “when did it get like this?”
With all this knowledge I was absorbing in real time, along with the present surroundings (colorful Filipino flags everywhere, lingering symbols of colonization, lush mountains against against abject poverty) everything started weighing on me. I was going through emotional rollercoaster, as I was going through a literal rollercoaster through the country. (I had a mini breakdown as you see above, where my body shutdown)
I thought I’d have ready reflections and conclusions after the trip. But but to be honest, I feel… a bit stunned. Still processing. And will have to let myself sit. Why? Because I didn’t expect the mix of emotions: wonder, discomfort, joy, anger, pride. Lack of pride. Hope. Lack of hope. Feeling belonging. Feeling foreign. (and I was born there!) Shamefully feeling grateful that we left when I was young. Grateful to be back. AT THE SAME TIME.
The history of the Philippines is very complex and has led to the complexities it faces today (and in turn that we may feel). But it is important to keep learning, digging - because it is part of us and I believe there is yet more beauty to uncover. I went there searching for pride, for hope, for answers - I left with a lot more questions.
Where I did find the hope and pride I was seeking? In the moments with loved ones, in the abundance of our land, in family traits & quirks that make you go “that’s where I got that from!” In inspiring stories: of heroes, revolutionaries, activists, good people who fought corruption (like my late Lolo). In Kapwa, the Filipino spirit, present in every interaction, whether strangers or friends. In the small things, the sunset, the mountain, the small businesses, the cousin, the karaoke, the sea & sand.
It’s good to let your experience, be what it is. Sit in the afterglow, sit in the confusion, let it be. Honor what passed, honor your present. You don’t have strive to find the meaning, draw conclusions, solutions, as those will come with time.
Thank you Philippines for being a bewildering, blessed experience. Time to integrate and rest.
(Wanna share your experience or join a discussion on this? RSVP to our FREE Discussion Circle happening Monday, July 24 at 4pm PST)
I will be visiting the fatherland for the first time in October (for my honeymoon). Thanks for sharing your experience, Krystl! I think what's going to be incredible is going somewhere where I "look" like everyone - that's never been the case. But also, when I open up my mouth, everyone will know I am not Filipina but American... so I'm consciously preparing myself to be open to all the things.
Hoping your introspection will continue to bring you where you need to be.
Love that "history book" - I bought it during Fil History Month last year! Another one I love so much almost a decade ago was "America is in the heart" by Carlos Bulosan. I think that one really resonates with me now. It's not a history book, but more the Fil-Am experience to me. <3 Trinity
I feel this deeply, as I just spent two weeks there with family in June. I'm still processing and had trouble answering the "How was your trip?!" question when I got back. It was a complex mix of emotions and experiences, for sure.